Harry Potter Parody
by MAndrews
Summary: A parody of the first movie with some refernces to differenes between the book and the movie.
1. Chapter 1: Baby Potter

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I'm just borrowing the characters, no lawyers allowed.

Author's Note: This first part is going to be short, but I promise later editions will be longer and

I also promise to eventually finish it!

--Dumbledore appears and turns out the streetlights. He sees a cat--

Dumbledore: Well, aren't you a pretty kitty! Here kitty kitty kitty!

--the cat turns into McGonagall--

McGonagall: Honestly Albus, must you do that every time?

Dumbledore: Yes

McGonagall: --looks disconcerted for a moment then shakes her head-- I heard from Henry,

who heard from Albert, who heard from Melanus, who heard from...--stops and blinks while

Dumbledore stares at her-- Well, I forget, but is what they're saying true?

Dumbledore: I have good news and I have bad news, what do you want first?

McGonagall: --looks very happy, very sad, and very funny-- So where is he?

Dumbledore: Hagrid is bringing him.

McGonagall: --stares at Dumbledore is shock-- Not that I don't trust Hagrid, but do you think it

wise to trust him?

Dumbledore: ...That didn't make sense Minerva...But yes. I would trust Hagrid with my life.

McGonagall: But you can take care of yourself, he's just a baby!

--There is a load roaring and a huge shape appears in the sky.---

Dumbledore: I'll bet that's Hagrid!

McGonagall: --muttering-- No kidding!

Hagrid: --lands on his motor cycle-- Hello professors, look what I've got! --holds up a

ferocious looking creature.---

McGonagall: Hagrid! Where's the baby?!

Hagrid: This is a baby! It's a baby Biting-RatDog!

Dumbledore: The other baby!

Hagrid: --stares at them for a moment in confusion.-- Oh! Right! Baby, human baby! 

--searches his pockets for several minutes, removing several unusual looking packages, before

finally producing a bundle-- Here he is!

--The baby is handed to Dumbledore and McGonagall hovers maternally--

McGonagall: He's got a scar! Fix it!

Dumbledore: Don't be silly, it's very cute and will be a great conversation starter when he's

older. --places the baby on a porch--

McGonagall: So why are we leaving the guy-whose-name-no-one-but-you-will-say's downfall on

a muggle porch?

Dumbledore: Because they're his dysfunctional family who will give him a tragic past to

overcome. --steps back, still looking at the baby-- Goodbye....Harry Potter.


	2. Chapter 2: The Elephants Birthday and th...

Harry: snore...snore....can't you tell there's something wrong with where I'm sleeping yet? snore....snore.....  
  
Petunia: ~bangs on the door to a closet under the stairs~ Get up you lazy slug! You think we let you sleep under there for free?  
  
Harry: ~puts on appropriately broken glasses and then, for some unexplained reason, looks up when the dust begins to fall so that it gets in his face~  
  
Dudley: ~runs up and down three steps laughing hysterically because he can't remember whether he was coming or going and is trying to pretend he's really doing it to bother his cousin. the smell of breakfast finally reaches him and he decides to go downstairs and shoves Harry back into the closet as he goes~  
  
Petunia: Wash the dishes, do the mopping...wait, darn, watching Cinderella too much...um...oh! Cook the bacon and don't burn it!  
  
Harry: Yes aunt perturbed.  
  
Petunia: What did you say?  
  
Harry: Nothing, because I would never actually do anything to help myself like, you know, complain to someone in authority that I'm being mistreated.  
  
Petunia: Well good, can't have it obvious that you're the active type who won't just sit back and let things happen. But back to important things, it's Duddy's birthday!  
  
Dudley: How many present did you get me?  
  
Vernon: 36, paid someone from my firm to count them for me!  
  
Dudley: Last year I had 37! My friend counted them for me!'  
  
Vernon, Well, we did get bigger ones for you this year.  
  
Dudley: Like I care about quality!  
  
Petunia: Don't worry diddums, we'll get you two new ones! We can't have all the hard work we've done training you to be a greedy thug interrupted can we?  
  
Scene changes to outside the house, everyone is heading for the car.  
  
Vernon: ~grabs Harry~ No funny stuff now! You know, that stuff you can't help doing that you insist isn't your fault and always happens when you're upset? Don't do it or we'll make you even more miserable and you'll do more stuff, then we'll punish you more and you'll do more and then we'll....  
  
Harry: I get it! It's a whole big cycle! I get it, can we go?  
  
Scene changes to the zoo's reptile house.  
  
Dudley: ~continues to act like a spoiled brat to his parent's delight ~bangs on a snake enclosure~ It won't move! Dad, make it kill something!  
  
Vernon: Hey you! Move, kill something, like my nephew perhaps? Please?  
  
The Dursleys move off when this attempt fails.  
  
Harry: I am now going to compare myself to you. You live in a glass room and get fed and stared at all day cause the zoo's proud of you, I like in a small dark cupboard, barely get fed, and get hidden away whenever there's company. We are so much alike!  
  
Snake: Whatever.  
  
Harry: You can hear me? But you don't have ears!  
  
Snake: I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.  
  
Harry: Gee, wouldn't it be cool if you could get out? Then we could be friends! Man, that would be awesome! I'd have somebody to talk to and you could be my skipping rope and....  
  
Snake: ~recoils in horror~  
  
Dudley: Mummy! Dad! Look, it's moving! ~bodychecks Harry and promptly falls into the tank with the snake~ AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Snake: I'm free! Yessssssss! ~slithers over Dudley and slides down, staying out of Harry's reach so he can't grab him to use as a skipping rope~ I'm off to eat a child, maybe that delicious little blonde I saw this morning......  
  
Dudley: ~stands up and slams into the glass. Cries out in pain and slams into the glass again repeatedly until his mother finally notices~  
  
Petunia: My ickle little pickle diddy! Oh no! He's trapped forever! He's never going to get out! He'll suffocate, he'll drown, he'll starve, he'll die of thirst, he'll spontaneously combust! ~continues on in hysterics for several minutes~  
  
Harry: ~is still sitting on the floor where he ended up when Dudley hit him and is grinning to hide his sadness at losing his new skipping rope friend~  
  
Vernon: ~glares suspiciously at Harry, wondering if he wanted the snake to play skipping with~  
  
Scene changes to the house again  
  
Vernon: You wanted the snake to play skipping with didn't you!  
  
Harry: Did not! I just wanted a friend, it would have been wonderful and happy and magical!  
  
Vernon: There's no such thing as happy, there's only magic!....Wait, I mean, um....there's no such thing as magic! 


End file.
